Four Years Apart

When she was born he would hold her hand for hours. He sang to her and brought her Matchbox cars to hold, but never would I have thought that these two would be as close as they are. Yes, they do fight. Daily. But if one of them is gone for a day or an overnight, the other is lost until they return. May it always be so.

Obedience Class

Recently, a friend was relating to her husband how Autumn was joining an obedience class, and he replied, "Autumn is the last person who needs obedience class!"

I guess he didn't know her when she was two!

The Delectable Dilemma

Abigail kept quite busy with scraps of wood from our latest project, and a little freshly mixed mud. She designed a logo, and came up with a name. The Delectable Dilemma: Where the food is so good, you have a dilemma deciding what to choose.

Whole wheat bread with a sprinkling of oats on top,

freshly "baked" donuts,

or chocolate truffles with finely ground hazelnuts. What would you choose?

It is a dilemma, isn't it?

Broken

Many of you have noticed that something has been missing around here. You noticed my complete silence in November and most of December. You noticed my lack of posting about Autumn. And then you noticed that I did mention Autumn, but not Jon. You have emailed me, lifted our family in prayer, and been an encouragement. Thank you.

Many of you already know the story, because you took the time to email. No matter how many times the story is told, it is no easier to tell.

We had high hopes for our oldest daughter. Her courtship seemed so wonderful. Things aren't always what they seem. People aren't always what they seem.

Nearly 18 months ago now, Jon approached my husband about courting Autumn. Verne had a long list of questions for him. Questions that should have been answered truthfully, but weren't. The damage began. When a person habitually lies, they have to remember what they said, and continue to lie to cover up the first things. It's a vicious cycle, really. One that can't be escaped without consequence.

We have taught our children from the time they were very, very young the importance of entering into a marriage carefully. Divorce is not an easy option. Ever. It's not to be used to fix an argument, or difference of opinion. Marriage is hard... always. No matter how much you love the other person, it's still going to take work. There will be days when you don't like the person you are married to at all. Still, that doesn't mean that you just walk away.

That being said, I do believe that although it's never mandated, sometimes, divorce is biblical. Annulment was suggested (even by people in the church) but the state doesn't allow for it in this situation.

Jon and Autumn are no longer married. She has been back home with us for as long as they lived together. I won't elaborate here, but you can read more at Autumn's blog. She told enough to help you understand why they are divorced, but by no means has she given every little detail of what she has been through, nor will she. 1 Peter 4: 7-8 says, "The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Our family is changed... every one of us. There are no words to describe what we've been through. Anger, grief, sadness. Yes, but it's so much more than even that. It's hard to trust. We let Jon into our lives and our hearts. We treated him like our own, and he had no regard for that love. We gave him the most precious thing we have: our daughter, and he did love her nor cherish her as Christ loves the church.

Several of us have drawn inward, afraid of being hurt. Afraid of getting close. It's made me very cynical since several people whom we thought were friends have shown that they aren't. It's been a rough season of life.

We're taking each day as it comes, looking for the good around us, and trying to start anew. That doesn't mean that Jon never existed. We, in no way, pretend that for a minute. Rather, we turn to God, and try to find the bright spots as they come.

I ask that as you leave comments that you remember to be kind with your words. We are real people with hurting hearts.

Open Windows

It's much more lively when Mac is home, and this week is no exception. He can't stand to not have music playing, or to be playing it himself. He loves guitar, but also enjoys piano and mandolin. And now? The accordion! He bought it just yesterday and can already play it with ease. The only complaint? It smells like a bowling alley.

As the girls and I walked this afternoon, we could hear polka music wafting through our open windows for quite a long way, and had to wonder what our neighbors must think of us.

Thursday Brunch

Abigail and Collin took it upon themselves to use last night's leftover ham steaks and fried potatoes, and added scrambled eggs. They set the table and called for everyone to gather around. It's so nice to witness teamwork, especially when it's their idea.

Boys Doing Dishes

It's been four long weeks since Mac has been home, and we were all ready to see him for the weekend.

I love how he can't wait to sit down for the meals that I prepare, and how he offers to do the dishes!

I could have them done in a quarter of the time that it takes him to finish them, but I wouldn't have near the fun.

He always recruits a sibling to help. He washes, they dry. The party gets started.

And then they crank up the tunes.

Counters get splashed, and the floor gets wet, but eventually, it all gets cleaned up.

We all laugh, and sing along at times. Except the rap stuff.

I just sit back and enjoy the show during the rap songs.

Macsta da Rapsta. That's his name.

A Case of Her Own

Can you imagine having to run to your neighbor's house to borrow a pot every time you wanted to cook soup? Me, either. That's why I made Abigail her own crochet hook case. It's so much more fun to work on projects when you have your own tools! She's been diligently picking up her hook and yarn lately, and I thought that deserved a little reward.

I went to my fabric stash and found the perfect candy-inspired fabric in colors that shout, "Abigail!"

And once it was all stitched up, I proceeded to fill it with goodies.

Pink Coconut Ice

I just can't seem to get enough of pink confections lately. I don't necessarily have to eat them, I just need to create them. Abigail and I teamed up to create this easy sugary confection. One recipe makes plenty because it is so rich and the servings are small. You can find the recipe at Mama's Fixins.

Be Still

I wake early to the sound of my husband crawling out of bed for his early morning run. It is too early for me, and so I turn to face the window, snuggle deep under the covers and return to sleep. Quickly though, I breathe a prayer of thanks for this wonderful man of mine, for his safety, and I'm gone.

When I do wake, my mind runs over a mental list of things to be accomplished this day. So many- and yet, there never seem to be enough hours to get it all done. Today I must work with Collin in his chemistry book. And geometry. Yes, we'll sit at the table, and go over his lessons. I want to make another batch of soap. And barbecue sauce. The ingredients have been sitting on the counter for over a week. There are loads of laundry, and the floors need swept.

I jump on Facebook to catch a glimpse of Mac, only he isn't there. But God is. I drink in the Scripture verses that several friends have posted for the day. I read slowly, gathering nourishment for the day ahead.

I throw in a load of laundry, and start cutting onions. Eleven of them. I press 22 cloves of garlic. I measure, and I stir, and I pray. Will I accomplish all that I need to?

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

I get the lye water mixed for the soap. I measure the oils. I prepare the mold, and I pray. So far, so good. I really need to work with Collin.

Be still before the LORD, all mankind, because he has roused himself

from his holy dwelling. Zechariah 2:13

I clean up the kitchen, and talk to my sweet husband on the phone. I realize there are errands that need to be run, and I pray. My list never seems to end. Why can't I accomplish all that I need to?

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Psalm 37:7

I start to sweep the floors, and the phone rings. It is Autumn, and I sit to chat with her. It is good to hear her voice though we saw each other just last night. I realize, this is how my heavenly Father feels about me. No matter how often I come to Him, he enjoys hearing my voice.

Tremble, and do not sin; Meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah. Psalm 4:4

I ask Collin and Abigail to get ready to go to town. There are groceries to buy, letters to mail, and gas tanks to be filled. And I pray all the way there. Lord, give me the strength to get everything done. I'm going to miss Mac though he wanted to video chat today. Give me peace.

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

My phone rings in the store, and it's Mac. Of course he understands that I had errands. We talk through several aisles, and I find myself smiling. And we agree to talk later in the evening.

And I pray on the way home. Thank you, Lord, for working out the details. Thank you for caring about every little thing. You are marvelous, and I love you! I realize I may not get everything done on my mental list, and it's okay. God doesn't love me any more or less because of what I do or don't do. He loves me because I am His, and that's enough.

And when I returned home I found a sweet email from a dear sister in Christ with all of the above Scripture verses, reminding me of God's love once again.

Photos by Collin

Tonight I Walked Him Home

He didn't leave work until 12:40 AM, and had to drive back to campus. And so we talked, for an hour, while he drove around looking for that elusive parking spot. And then I walked him home, to his dorm, phone to his ear.

Ahhhh... College Kids

Mac is home for a visit with it being Labor Day weekend. After sleeping in and missing normal breakfast time, he had a fresh blueberry scone topped with lemon curd. As he carried his dish to the kitchen sink, he commented, "Breakfast was good, Mom. Now, on to lunch!", and proceeded to heat himself a chicken enchilada leftover from last night's welcome home supper in the microwave.

First Days

This mama is grateful to whomever invented video chatting, as I get to talk to Mac each day. As we chatted Sunday evening he was munching on Doritos and drinking milk straight from the gallon jug. He looked straight into the camera and said to me, "I've always wanted to do that!"

Tonight he and his friends grabbed their guitars and headed for the elevator. They sat on the floor and played songs to everyone who entered the doors. They made $8, some Cocoa Puffs, and a yo-yo. Hey! That's enough to do a few loads of laundry!

Two

Two on their own. Two at home.

It's quiet, and the dinner table is very empty.

Lazy Days of Summer

When we woke in the morning and the outside temperature was 82F, and the pool was 84F, we knew it was going to be a great day for swimming. Mac was working, and Verne was out of town so Collin, Abigail, and I spent the entire day playing.

When's the last time you spent the entire day in your bathing suit? Can't remember? Then it has probably been entirely too long! I generally sit on the sidelines until I can't take the heat anymore and then I get in.

Swimming. Badminton. More swimming. We tore ourselves out of the pool to eat supper, and then did our chores before bed.

He's Home

Collin is back from New Mexico, and though he had a wonderful time, he quickly tired of dehydrated meals. I'm happy to oblige him with some home cooking from breakfast, to lunch, to dinner!

Taking Wing

Photo by Abigail

The days are slipping by at a rapid pace, and try as I might to slow the time, it isn't working. So much to do. So much that needs said.

When you're a mother of young children, the days sometimes seem long, and it often feels like they'll never grow up. But they do. Oh, how quickly, they do. Before you know it, they're spreading their wings and learning to fly. Sometimes, it makes my eyes grow moist. And other times I sit back, and take pleasure in the flight.

This week Collin has been absent from our home. He was selected to attend a week long Entrepreneurial Leadership Institute. He calls regularly and talks to each person in our family. Many nights Abigail has already been in bed, but he called her at lunchtime on Wednesday because he missed her. A 14 year old boy missing his sister; hmmmm. What a delightful young man! He's also called Jon several times. Yes, family is important to him.

Mac leaves for college two months from today. He's been working 40+ hours a week, but took Abigail on a "date" Tuesday afternoon. They bowled two games and then went to Steak and Shake for dinner. She was on cloud nine. So was I. My heart feels like bursting as I watch my two young men treating their younger sister with respect.

"I love you" is not used sparingly around here. I'm not the only one whom feels our family changing and the need to hold tightly to those around them.

I knew he could do it!

Mac called this afternoon as he was leaving the school. 

"Hey, guess what?"

"What?"

" I just found out for sure that I'm the valedictorian!"

I greeted him with a hearty hug and a kiss when he got home. And everyone else fell in line behind me. 

Congratulations, Mac! We're very proud of you! 

Moms are Sinners, Too

I woke early yesterday morning and started preparing for the day. As I was showering, I heard the phone ring. "Yes. She's in the shower; I'll have her call you back when she's out."  As I overheard more chit chat between my husband and his mother, I was thinking, 'But I don't have time to call her back! It's Sunday morning, and I have to prepare lunch before we go to church, finish my hair, clean my shoes, etc.' It's not that I didn't want to talk to my mother in law- I just had so much to do.

I was in the middle of blow-drying my hair when Verne entered the bathroom. I was upside down when he announced, "Abigail wants to make you Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins for breakfast, but she wanted your approval before she started." Sigh. I looked at the clock. 

"Okay,  but tell her not to double the recipe, and you need to supervise."

Famous last words.  

Two minutes later, Verne returned. "She's doing great. Don't forget to call my mom."

As I entered the kitchen, Abigail was filling muffin tins. "Did you spray the pans?"

"No. The recipe didn't say to."

I bit my tongue, grabbed the phone, and started to call my mother in law. As we talked, I  threw some make-up on, and got the needed supplies to clean my shoes. I still needed to call my mom, too. 

I briefly talked to Grandma and my mom, but felt like neither were really listening. My aunt was in for the weekend to celebrate Mother's Day and Grandma's birthday. Mom was busy cooking breakfast for everyone, and the kitchen was noisy. 

Just as I hung up, the oven timer sounded.  Abigail grabbed the muffin tins from the oven and placed them, still full, on the cooling racks. "Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Your breakfast is ready!" 

"Abigail, you can't leave the muffins sit like that; they'll stick. "

By this time, I was busy making ham barbecue. "Collin-help your sister."

As it turns out, the muffin tins should have been sprayed, and the muffins wouldn't release. Collin and Abigail sat digging muffins out of the tins. Crumbs were everywhere, and the tins were still half full of muffin. 

I lost it. 

"Verne! I asked you to supervise! Now the kitchen's a mess, and the ingredients are wasted!"

"I did supervise! I told her to spray the tins and she didn't listen!"

So, Mother's Day morning was a fiasco. Abigail was trying to make me a sweet breakfast and I became angry, yelled, and hurt her feelings. Verne and I were fighting, and it wasn't even 9:30 AM. 

Great.

I took Abigail aside and apologized. I told her that I had been wrong to get angry, and that good mommies don't act that way, which just made her cry harder. "But you are a good mommy. I couldn't have anyone better than you." Which made me cry harder. 

I asked her to come eat with me, and told her that some people just eat the muffin tops anyway because they think they're the best part. She sniffled, blew her nose and joined me at the table.

Other than not greasing the tins, she'd actually done a great job. The muffin tops were delicious! Why had I made such a fuss in the first place? 

Because I'm selfish. Because I was angry that I had to hurry all morning long. Because... I'm a sinner. 

We made it to worship in the nick of time, and I felt awful inside. I'd confessed my sins at home, and asked for Abigail's forgiveness, but I hadn't asked for forgiveness of my heavenly Father. Just as we were about to participate in the Lord's Supper I remembered that Christ died for sinners. Me. I was welcome at His table because I felt remorse, and repented from my sins. What a blessing!

After worship, we had to hurry once again. Our church was singing for another group at a nursing home, and we didn't have much time to get there. As we were lining up Autumn whispered to me, "You look sad."

"I am."

"Why?"

"Because of this morning."

"Oh."

We often feel grief for what we've done. We don't need to keep asking for forgiveness, but asking for help with our grief is another thing altogether.  I prayed. And I prayed some more. 

And all afternoon I felt waves of grief come and go. Tears stung my eyes several times as I glanced at Abigail, and she smiled back at me. How could I be so gruff to someone that I love so much? 

And today? I still feel grief. But less than I did yesterday. Grief can be good though. It reminds us not to repeat our mistakes, and it's a reminder I'm taking to heart. 

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, 

and the truth is not in us. 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins

 and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  

 

1 John 1:8-9 ESV

Oh, How I'll Miss Him!

Mac recently turned 18. He'll graduate in June, and head off to college in late August, but he's still my little boy, and always will be. Sometimes it's more than others, but he makes me laugh daily.

The other night he lifted up his shirt and was sticking his finger in his belly button to clean it as he talked to me.

"Man! I have a gigantic belly button, and I don't know where all of the lint comes from, but I sure get alot! The other day, I pulled a small shirt out of there, and I held it up and asked Collin, 'Hey, is this yours?' "

That same evening he was telling me about this new gum that he bought. Orbit something. He ran out to his car to get me a piece, and plopped one into his mouth as well. This was around 11 PM. Knowing he had to get up early for school the next day, and that he had to take an AP test, I said, "Hey Mac, that wasn't too smart to chew gum right now. You need to brush your teeth and get to bed because you have an AP test in the morning. "

"You know, I don't understand why we have to brush our teeth at night and in the morning because we don't eat anything in between. "

"Mac, go brush your teeth."

"The gum's sugar free- I'll be alright. "

And off to bed he went.

I incredulously looked at Autumn, and wondered aloud how someone so smart (He's most likely going to be valedictorian!) could be so dumb.

Half an hour later, Mac stumbled back to the living room to ask me something, gum still in his mouth, and still giggly.

Yep. I'm going to miss him!